The Baby Blues

I haven't had baby girl yet, but today I want to talk about postpartum depression. As someone who has struggled with depression for years, combined with my current status as an expectant mother, my ears perk up a little whenever I hear that phrase thrown around a conversation. Take yesterday, for example.

Yesterday was day two of our prepared childbirth class. It also happened to be our last day, so, technically, I guess we're "prepared". Maybe in the sense of I have a really informative booklet sitting on the table in front of me, but not many other senses. One topic of yesterday's class was postpartum depression; symptoms, treatments, past stigma, and the importance of open dialogue. Consider this post the beginning of my open dialogue. Sure, I've completed the class, but I don't feel prepared for tackling the care of newborn baby, birth recovery, sleepless nights, irritability (mine, Chad's, baby's, all of the above), new schedules (or no schedules), uncertainty, a roller coaster of hormonal responses, and potential postpartum depression.

What is one to do?

Recently, Chad and I were having a conversation about what we would do if we had "lots of money". Somewhere in the banter I said I would throw lots of fun dinner parties. Chad's response? Do it now. Live today like you would if you had "fill in the blank with whatever you feel life would be better accompanied by".

I got to thinking about how I would handle postpartum depression if I find myself in his company. I've read blogs, books, considered natural remedies, taken notes in classes, and-silly enough-worried. (Hence, this post.) As I continue to contemplate whether or not I will take any specific post-birth treatment measures, I plan to take my husband's advice and live today in a way that just might make life better if I do fall into postpartum depression.

1. Spend face to face time with people who care about and love me. Pour into them as they pour into me.

2. Exercise and eat well. (This will start after I publish this post, since I just helped myself to three pieces of chocolate. Hey, we can't all be perfect.)

3. Create and continue an open dialogue where I honestly share how I am feeling. (This counts as a start, right?)

4. Pray without ceasing. If the same power that conquered the grave lives in me, it certainly can conquer postpartum depression. If willing, pray alongside me!

5. Speak life!

6. Reach out to the SO many mothers I know who walk with the Lord and are the brightest lights to their family and children.

I don't know what awaits me following the birth of this wee little one, but her presence-even in the midst of this blog's subject matter-makes me one giddy and excited lady!

If you're a mom, I'd love to hear how you anticipated the potential onset of postpartum depression or walked through it. Heck, you can share it with me at my next dinner party! :)

Frolicking in Fields: Maternity Edition

Sorry for the photo dump, but I just love how these photos by Seth Snider-a great friend and talented photographer-turned out! He'll kill me for saying this, but doesn't Chad look incredibly handsome? 

The photos were taken at 30 weeks, three weeks ago, and I feel as though baby girl has grown so much since then! We are so excited to meet her, and so thankful that she is already wrapped in the love of our family and friends.

Is this lap taken?

I was reminded today of how powerful a small, simple act of love can be. My high school student advisory group traveled to our elementary school to promote classroom literacy by incorporating the presence of a therapy dog. Our first classroom visit was to a self-contained, special needs classroom. There were six students in the classroom to my eleven high schoolers. As one high schooler finished up reading a book to the children, one small elementary student slowly climbed into the lap of a high school football player. The football player looked a little uncomfortable at first, but quickly adapted when he noticed how content the young student became in his presence. My heart melted instantly as I tried to savor the full magnitude of that sweet, special moment. The moment itself was short in duration, but the impact it had on both boys was unmeasurable. 

The moment brings to mind the saying, "We cannot all do great things, but we can do small things with great love." It is the Lord's grace, not our own striving, that gives us the ability to do all things, day in and day out, with great love. This is the very lesson I am in the midst of learning; it is not by my own works, but by God's grace that I can be the wife, soon-to-be-mother, teacher, daughter, sister and friend I want to be. In doing so, walking in His grace, loving as the football player showed love, John 13:35 tells us, "By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another." (NIV)

Sweet Autumn, I love you.

Autumn arrives tomorrow, and I couldn't be happier! I know I am not alone. The pumpkin spice latte following alone has proven this! Our family walk this morning held hints of Autumn's arrival: specks of coloring leaves, a slight chill in the breeze, and sweatshirt donning neighbors. It was nothing short of fabulous. I always hear people speak of their long list of autumn favorites, so I thought I'd share a few of mine, in no particular order. 

Big mugs of warm yumminess. Be it tea, a latte, or plain old cup o' joe, I love early mornings on the couch, yet under a blanket, and warmed by my favorite mug! (I've been good-no more than a cup of anything caffeinated just a few times a week.) Don't get me wrong, I'll take one to go as well. In fact, check out this recipe for making your very own pumpkin spice syrup at home. 

Crisp air. If Anne didn't get it right, surely Fitzgerald did.

"Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall." -F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby 

The native New Yorker in me loves a good, cold morning! Truly, they remind me of soccer practice as a kid. We'd bundle up in multiple layers and go run around the leaf-covered field. No matter how low the temperate dropped, I'd never wear pants. My father swore that real soccer players (code for European) don't wear pants when they play, so I was prohibited. Autumn also provides the best weather for hiking. Chad, the pup, and I did this quick hike over Labor Day Weekend. The crisp air, if for nothing else, makes the scarves, thick socks, mittens and boots all the more necessary. By the way, have you seen these boots? So romantic.

Pumpkins! The deliberation of picking the best one in the pumpkin patch can be rough, but its presence is always welcome in our home. In fact, Chad especially loves all things pumpkin, so we usually have quite the collection. I wish our mantel was a tad bit deeper so I could do something fun like this nicely decorated one. 

Comfort food-chili, taco soup, baked potatoes, pumpkin pie, and the list goes on. Unfortunately, without moderation, my waistline would go on and on as well. Especially when I've been wanting to try to make these salted caramel apple hand pies! Maybe the consumption of comfort food inspires me to get out and appreciate the crisp air some more. :)

This autumn is especially anticipated as it ushers in Nora's (yes, we settled on Nora!) arrival. Our baby girl is growing strong and healthy and we are so eager to meet her! I imagine my feeling of having to get so many things (school plans, nursery, my mental state) "ready" before she makes her debut is a common one. For this reason, I'm thankful for the seven more weeks before the 40 milestone, but at the same time I want to rush those weeks along. Most importantly, there's comfort in knowing the more time she bides in my belly, the stronger and healthier she will be. 

What are you looking forward to this season? Do share!

Back to school!

First day of school - baby girl at 28 weeks

I have survived the first week of school! "Survived" seems pretty accurate considering the painfully early morning alarm settings and near exhaustive evenings I experienced.

In the midst of the first week's chaos there were some beautiful moments. Returning to the Community School of Davidson for the second year, I am reminded why I love teaching. There will always be days where students don't value the worth of a lesson the way I anticipated or simply try my patience, but that's just it - there is every school day where I have the opportunity to ignite a passion for learning in the heart of a student, more than one if I'm lucky. As I go from bell to bell there are always lessons I am learning. Here are a few:

1. Listening is underrated. Think back to high school. Did you cringe a little? Yeah, me too. High school was a complicated season filled with uncertain identity amidst social and familial trials not many want to relive. My students are there now. Some shut down and want to travel this season alone. Others search for a compassionate ear. When I'm lucky, I'm that ear. It may be very little things they share, but when they see I listen, their eyes sparkle a little to mimic the fullness in their heart. They just want to be heard without judgement or correction, just love. Yes, at times I'm short with them, thinking of the next period's lesson, but when I'm intentional in listening, it matters.

2. Patience is never perfected. Even when I feel I have patience locked down for that day, I'm reminded a moment's occurrence is all it takes to rattle my cage and leave me feeling irritated and anything but patient. The Lord is teaching me to breathe, not sweat the small stuff, and be patient. Which brings me to my next lesson...

3. Let the little things go. Those close to me know I have a minor...major...control problem. I like knick-knacks positioned just so on a table top, I enjoy loading the dishwasher because I can configure the best arrangement for optimal storage space and cleanliness, I like my cereal in the big yellow bowls-not the medium white bowls-with a large spoon, the little spoons don't let you get enough milk with each bite. See? It's scary. Now imagine desiring things to be a "certain way" with 20 teenagers thrown into the mix. Nope. Doesn't happen. If I expect my "certain way" to occur, I'm the only one who ends up hurt. It's just not worth it. So, I'm getting better-with much effort, mind you-to laugh things off and just let those little things go. The dishwasher may be another story, for now. 

4. Love. Love doesn't hold fast to selfish desires but sacrifices for the betterment of others. A teacher's profession centers around student learning. At the core of what I do is always for the betterment of student learning. It sometimes takes sacrifices on my part with how I expect this path to learning to look. It requires me to do what is in the best interest of my students and put my interests aside. It makes me practice love.

So, 5:45 AM alarm, I still don't like you. But I do like the day you bring along. Thank you, Lord, for my job, even in the midst of my own life lessons.

Papa

top :: Papa and younger brother, Kees, in my father's greenhouse

middle :: summer family photo circa 1989-ish, I know you're loving the sock/shoe combination

bottom: autumn family photo maybe the same year, not really sure

My father (Papa) has an interesting story. Born in a small mussel fishing village in the south of the Netherlands in 1949, my father came from humble beginnings. The only boy and youngest of three, my father began working at a young age for local horticulturists after his own father's health succumbed to cancer when he was only eight years old. Developing a love for the world of horticulture, my father studied collegiately in this field before moving to Guernsey, one of the English channel islands, at age nineteen to work. At the time, he knew little English except for his beloved Beatles songs. Today, if you ask nicely, he may take requests.

While working in Guernsey, my father lived with an elderly couple, the Myrtles. Their accents sound a bit like-to me, at least-Mr. and Mrs. Bouquet from the television show Keeping Up Appearances. After three years in Guernsey, my father moved to Ontario to work with at a Dutch family's greenhouse. It was here that my father came to know the Lord.

I'm unsure how many years he worked in Ontario, but at some point he partnered with a colleague in Ontario to purchase his own greenhouse in Utica, New York. His search for cheap-to-free physical therapy for an old soccer injury led him to my mother, and they wed shortly after meeting. My father has seen many places and met many people, but he is happiest when home with family.

After losing his own father at a young age, my father lost his own son when Kees, my brother, was just fourteen years old. Even in the depths of his sorrow my father still rejoiced in the Lord and encourages me to do the same. We don't speak often, but when we do I listen.

Today he shared the following from his current devotional Jesus Calling. 

When things seem to be going all wrong, stop and affirm your trust in Me. Calmly bring these matters to Me, and leave them in My capable hands. Then, simply do the next thing. Stay in touch with Me through thankful, trusting prayers, resting in My sovereign control. Rejoice in Me - exult in the God of your salvation! As you trust Me, I make your feet like the feet of a deer. I enable you to walk and make progress upon the high places. 

Job 13:15; Psalm 18:33; Habakkuk 3:17-19

The greatest earthly gift is a father who points you toward your heavenly one.

Oh baby!

Orthodontic pacifiers. BPA free, slow flow bottles - 6 or 9 ounces? Swaddle blankets. Changing pads. Crib mattresses. Belly cast kit....just kidding. ; )

Last week an experienced mama friend accompanied me on the overwhelming task of registering for essential baby gear. Babies "R" Us has long overwhelmed me, and now that I had to create the registry, rather than navigate by the one in hand, the feeling intensified. I am forever indebted to this gracious woman for spending part of her afternoon taming the aisles for me.

I've been trying to get as much stuff done for our baby girl before school starts-workdays arrive in less than two weeks now! With the help of Chad's parents, and another incredible friend, our girl's room is painted, crib assembled, dresser positioned, and curtains hung.  I often wander into her room and look around, dreaming of the day she'll be there with me. Having a place in which to envision her sleeping and playing makes her impending arrival all the more real. That and the increasing frequency of her gymnastic routines in my belly. Honestly, I love being pregnant.

Chad and I already love this girl to pieces, but I still worry about being her mom. I worry if I'll do everything right. I worry if I'll forget to teach her something that will mess her up for the rest of her life. I worry I'll be too neurotic. I worry I'll struggle to balance work and home life once I return to teaching. I worry about a lot. Of course I know I shouldn't worry, but it sneaks up on me. To fight this worry I try to remember and rest in knowing that God created me for this and his provision will show itself once baby girl arrives.

And, on a completely unrelated note, the arrival of August and, soon, school, get me excited for all the great things of autumn - cool weather, scarves, wool sweaters, cozy boots, changing leaves, warm drinks, and holidays!